MAsT: Winnipeg - Discreet M/s

Know what level of expectation there is before getting into the situation. Is it a relaxing evening with friends with minimal service or nice dinner with family with attention to serving?

Why?

• maintain the dynamic no matter the situation and because other have not consented to being part of your dynamic/play
• to keep dynamic going
• brings you closer to have a secret
• in a kink situation, discreet to keep from drawing the attention to yourselves and focus away from other scenes

Non-verbal substitutions

• eye contact, gesturing (pointing with eyes, inconspicuous hand signals)
• patting seat next to me to show you can sit
• possible text messaging
• placing a hand on thigh to indicate permission to eat

Request permission/Permit or deny by stating intention or destination

• “I’m going to the kitchen to get a drink, do you want one?”
• “Do I have time to use the bathroom before we go?”
• “Didn’t you already have a chocolate bar today?” – no cake for you!
• “This cake is really good, you should try some.”
• Hide offering service to Master by offering service to whole group
• - “Can I get anyone anything while I’m up?”

Do small things without drawing attention to it

• walking with a hand on the back of the slave’s neck
• having the slave carry things while shopping
• sitting on the floor when others are or when seats are needed for others
• making coffee for self and Master
• putting oneself in the place to open doors according to who usually opens the doors
• use word substitutions ie. My Love in place of Sir
• in a restaurant ordering/choosing food by either party depending on how it is viewed
• slave dishing up for Master in a family buffet situation - reduces the amount of people around the table

Discreet play

• taping over inside of sunglasses and walking around with the slave wearing them
• a leash attached to a collar and fed through the arm of a jacket, holding hands means holding the leash
• under clothing bondage and plugs, ben wah bals
• ankle cuff with or without bell attached
• collar under a scarf
• writing on slaves body, especially where slave has to be careful about exposing it
• make slave eat food they don't like
• make slave wear clothing they wouldn't normally wear in that situation
• day collar

Being Discreet Through Social Media

• how much do you share
• are rules and protocols continued online
• how to interact on vanilla sites when the audience is mixed

MAsT: Winnipeg - Conflict Resolution

• What do we mean when we say conflict resolution? Conflict resolution is a willingness to negotiate with a clear commitment that there won’t be winners or losers. It assumes that each person's needs are valid and understandable and draws on a willingness to compromise.
• Why are we talking about conflict resolution? Because it’s not a matter of if it’s a matter of when a disagreement will come up
• We’re in a Master/slave relationship so doesn’t that mean that the Master is always right? Slaves have their own needs and opinions that need to be taken into consideration. If they just give in and abandon them, it will create frustration and resentment which in the long run will be detrimental or could even end a relationship.

1. How can we mitigate or decrease the chance of conflict from happening in the first place?

• Regular check ins to help decrease build up if person/persons are prone to clamming up, could be verbal, diary, journal or blog
• Sometimes differences appear trivial but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem, these needs can be a need to feel safe/secure, respect/valued, greater closeness/intimacy. Address these needs at the 'trivial' stage to keep them from growing
• Try to see the other person's side of the story, don’t wait for a fight to consider what's happening with them (increases connection with them too)
• Avoid bringing up problems in the heat of the moment/without prior thought, avoid making snap decisions
• Before bringing up an issue try to have a specific plan or script, try to anticipate how the other person is likely to act
• Know what you want; look for a sense of yearning or what makes you uncomfortable to know what this is
• Know what your style of conflict management is, ie. Do you need extra space to process, are you passive, assertive or aggressive
• Pay attention to red flags that indicate you are starting to lose control: feeling hot or flushed, heart pounding, short of breath, tension within your body, talking more rapidly or loudly than usual, feeling a strong need to win
• Ask your partner how they deal when they get overwhelmed so you can watch for the warning signs and address issues before they get to the point of conflict
• Have conflict reduction plans in place, ie. Give space to cool off, how long, where, when; include a plan for who/when restart will take place
• Have a game plan- a contract, rules – we’ll come back to this in a moment
• Study conflict resolution, ie. Take classes or read books
• Appreciate your partner and notice and express things you like about them
• Say thank you instead of I'm sorry
• Four components to a brief request:

1. Brief justification-explain in one sentence what the problem is (it's hot in hear, these bags are heavy)
2. A softening statement-would you mind if, I would appreciate it if you would
3. A direct a specific question-what you want clearly and exactly
4. An appreciation statement-reinforces the behavior of the other person saying yes, makes them feel you value what they are doing (thank you so much, this will really help me out, this is much appreciated)
5. "I'm really struggling Sir, it would be helpful if you could clean the bathroom, this will make a real difference."

2. What to do when Master is wrong/has done something wrong/has to admit or deal with the consequences

• What do you mean the Master is wrong?!?
• Not every bad decision needs to be '"admitted", when M does something wrong they need to balance telling their s with keeping up airs of authority
• With time, M admitting their mistakes gets easier as a foundation of trust has already been established
• If time isn't a factor, having a plan on how to fix the mistake/deal with consequences or already have fixed it helps re-establish trust and M's control of the situation
• In the beginning porch time might help a M who feels like they cannot divulge their errors
• Consequences- knowing that the person who is completely dependent on you has possibly had their foundation shaken and leaves them wondering if you are able to be in charge
• A simple apology goes a long way
• Don’t expect perfection, we are all human
• Whether or not you make a mistake is not nearly as important as how you react when you make a mistake

3. What to do when slave disagrees strongly with a decision/order

• In a mature, healthy relationship the servant is able to offer advice and contrary opinions respectfully, in a manner appropriate to their role and acceptable to their M without either person feeling that this is a challenge to the M's authority
• Hard part is that s must not take it personally or become upset if the M rejects their solution or says no to the request to offer solution
• S needs to let go of attachment to having to do things their way
• Reasons why a s would disagree: s knows more about the subject/has info related to subject that M doesn't have; s doesn't understand what's asked of them; s finds the request distasteful; s is unsure of their ability to complete what has been requested of them
• When a slave knows more about a subject than the Master (Master can give minimal direction/instruction/be vague ie. I want X done however is best)
• Three choices- order s to obey blindly then ask why after task is completed if still unsure as to why; listen to s's reason and do it their way; listen to s's reason then do it M's way or modify M's way
• One simple way to start is to assume that the M lacks specific info and to deliver that info as a flat statement and phrase the problem as a statement of info allows the M to integrate it at will and change orders if necessary
• May I suggest an alternate solution?
• Voicing emotional discomfort with an order is different from voicing a disagreement with the order. "Yes Sir" vs "As you say Sir" Use 'yes sir' when in complete agreement and 'as you say sir' if you feel the D is wrong, that way they will know that they might need to check what's happening but if they choose to do it anyways the s will follow, it allows the No without breaking the dynamic
• Prime directive 'primary importance of s is to protect M's property, up to and including from M themselves' this makes it the responsibility of slave to say 'this is what I need to be safe and healthy and takes away the s's capacity to squash it ' by reporting having a difficult time or disagreeing you are obeying the person you serve

4. Rules around conflict resolution

• If/How s approaches M when they disagree strongly with an order/decision
• When/how can s approach M with a problem/Know the rules of engagement with your partner, ie. Protocols, free speech
• How s approaches the M when s has realized M has made a mistake (before the M has realized same)
• If s knows D is already overloaded or busy, have a way for the s to approach and let the D know there is something that needs to be discussed/decisions to be made while giving the D a chance to 'take a time out' before and/or after to regroup

5. Because I said so/final answer/radical acceptance of because I said so

• Should a slave, time permitting, expect an explanation from their M prior to doing an order, or blindly do it. Then if they still don't understand, ask why
• To radically accept means you accept something completely, without judging it; stop fighting reality and let go of bitterness
• When a compromise is not happening
• When M has information that s doesn’t have, it is time sensitive and M can't share/doesn't feel the need to share
• When it is not something that is big enough or going to effect the s enough for there to be more explanation than 'Because I said so'
• To reinforce the authority that the M has over the s
• To accept 'Because I said so' the s can stomp their feet and curse under their breath
• "Yes Sir" "As you say Sir"

6. Porch time

• Always be respectful when speaking no matter the role or topic
• Agree to not use fear or shame, for example: Discounting or denigrating the other person's feelings (everyone needs to be seen and heard), threats of abandonment
• Negotiate a space for conversations that is safe
• Open communication encouraged all the time/no punishment for speaking up as long it is not disrespectful or untruthful and is appropriately timed
• Having a specific place to go could be helpful especially if you have children=zero distraction or interruption
• Not able to walk away from what you said to your partner nor forget what they said to you when 'done' porch time
• Create a safe space, not just a physical space but create a safe mental space

7. How to know which battles to fight and as the Master be willing to not have to win them all

• Know your core values and why you want XYZ; need to be able to decide if it's importance is above the emotional distress it causes the s to comply (i.e. elle's pills and bad days)
• Master doesn’t need to win every battle to prove their authority as long as they stick to their core values and aren't giving up on their principles
• Acknowledging an s has a better idea doesn’t take away from the M's authority
• Listening to the s could prove that they have an idea or way of doing something that the M hadn't considered that is more beneficial to the M than their own plan had been (I have an intelligent s, I am more than happy to use her brains for my or our mutual gain)

8. What to do during conflict

• No bargaining/giving up on your principals to appease the other
• Take responsibility for your part in the conflict/mistake
• Ask for what you want-'when you ___, I feel ____, I would prefer ____' identifies the actual point of the conflict, connects it with the feelings behind, offers up potential solution, it's not blaming or putting it on the other person, it targets the behaviour specifically
• Focus on person's behaviour not their characteristics
• Don’t look for who is right/wrong, look at the problem as a puzzle you have to work together to solve
• Acknowledge other person's concerns 'I realize this issue is important to you'
• Ask the other person their goals/what they need in this situation/intent of action/fears
• Don’t falsely assume you know what the other person wants or project your owns fears, needs and feelings onto the other person; don’t avoid asking the other person because you fear their answer
• Validate other person's concerns rather than arguing
• Look for disconfirming information (info that is in the other person's defense)
• Keep your points brief and specific, limit your conversation to one or two points
• Avoid yelling and blaming, if emotions increase may need a time out
• Monitor your body language-avoid crossing your arms, pointing, leaning away, not making eye contact
• Use active listening
• Mirroring, repeat back what they have said, 'so what I hear you say is ____' allows for correction if there is a misunderstanding by receiver, allows the receiver to process what the speaker said
• If your partner said or did something that you took a different way than what they meant it and it hurt you, tell them 'you didn't mean it, but the result was that I felt this way'
• Accept the other person's response, if they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you received it, take that at face value
• If someone asks what can I do to help the answer might be nothing but acknowledge their offer
• If situation is minor or on the mend, humour can help reduce tension or anger

9. How to move past a conflict once it is over

• Leave it in the past, don’t carry one conflict into the next if it has been dealt with
• Be willing to forgive
• Set a check in date to monitor progress
• If problem is behavioural and you are willing to change, tell your partner that you are willing to modify your behaviour
• If behaviour is unconscious ask your partner to respectfully point out when you are doing it to help you be aware in order to work on it
• Take responsibility for your actions and apologize
• Review your game plan to see if any alteration can/needs to be made
• Review the problem to figure out the route cause especially if it is not a new problem
• Act opposite to your emotions, show a little love and caring if you are feeling upset especially if your partner has problems related to insecurity
• Don’t beat yourself up that you had a fight, it is a sign you are both still working on the relationship
• Avoid the blame game-there can be a lot of different kinds of blame trying to lodge into your brain- toys, yourself, people around you, the other person- but blame is worthless. The only thing worth figuring out is what contributed to make the mistake and how to avoid having those contributions in the future

MAsT: Winnipeg - Consideration and Training

“The Pillars of Power Exchange- Part II”

What is a consideration phase, and a training Phase? Are they the same thing? How do they go hand in hand?
How do you implement these in a blossoming Power exchange?
What are the responsibilities of both the Master and the slave during these periods?
Why do you have consideration and training phrases?

Collar of Consideration - Collars: Who, What and Why
It is basically the getting to know each other stage.
It could be considered equivalent to the “courting” or “dating” stage in the vanilla world.
This is a period of time where the Master/Dominant and slave/submissive should talk and explore needs, wants and desires in a D/s relationship (not only BDSM but vanilla wants, needs and life goals as well).
It is an expression of interest in pursuing a M/s relationship with each other beyond casual play or interactions.
It also gives the signal to other Masters/Dominants that the slave/submissive is “off-limits” because they are pursuing a power dynamic with someone.

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Consideration is often regarded as the first stage of collaring. A D-type in a period of consideration is said to be considering, while the s-type is said to be under consideration.

Consideration is traditionally given toward the beginning of a relationship, usually after thirty to ninety days of interacting with a partner and is offered with serious intent to pursue a long term relationship involving power exchange dynamics and may be accompanied with the consensual bestowing of a collar of consideration on the s-type from the d-type.
BDSMWiki - Consideration

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History of Consideration:
In the past, slaves feel into one of three categories. Either she was owned, unowned, or under consideration. The first two are fairly obvious but the third tends to create some confusion. Thus, I will do my best to explain it while contrasting this concept with what is occurring online now.

We must start with understanding what the BDSM world was like before the world wide web. Year ago, when BDSM was underground, the only way to gain entry was to be "sponsored" in. What this meant is someone had to validate you and basically state that he/she would be responsible for you. Remember, BDSM was an extremely closed world. There were no pretenders to deal with since everyone was real. Gatherings contained only people who were true to the lifestyle. Advertising of these events was not done with much fanfare other than the placing of a one line ad in a local rag publication. Hence we had a situation where everyone who was participating was either a slave or master.

I also uncovered over the years the concept that a slave is never truly unowned. What I mean by this is that she, when not directly owned by someone, was "owned" by the lifestyle. She served in whatever manner she could, wherever she could. There was no option of leaving the lifestyle to go vanilla. Instead, she simply spent time in this state of service until a master took an interest in her.

As you can tell, service is a big part of her makeup. At these gatherings, the slaves served the masters. The protocol was very simple and clear cut. Those who were owned obviously only served their owners but the unowned crowd was responsible to all the masters. Again, the lifestyle owned them. Their service was expected to any master in whatever capacity was required. Now remember, everyone involved was real so her "submission" in the service sense was to someone genuine, not a pretender.

Which brings us to the "under consideration" banner. Where did this fit in? When one caught the attention of a particular master, she was placed under consideration. This meant that she was removed from the service of all masters for the duration that she was assigned this status. During this time period, the master determined if she was going to fit in his house. If it was a multi-slave household, he might need to consider logistics and personalities. On the other hand, if no existing slaves, he would ponder how she fit into his life and issues of compatibility. In other words, it was a form of a courting process.

Once the master made his decision, either she became owned or was placed back into the unowned category and went back to the service of all. The point is that the reason for this designation was to uncover information about how well she would fit into what he was seeking. It was a time period meant to reveal what was unknown to him so that he could make an informed decision. There was no question that he was a master and worthy of her service. At the same time, her being a slave is never questioned.
The "Under Consideration" Game

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Pros and Cons

*Vetting for both Parties

*Ask for references and some personal information, before your meeting. There are Masters that enjoy edge play, and you need to understand all the diversities of the lifestyle.

*Discover your wants, needs and desires

*Being transparent with your partner(s)

*Compatibility of Identifier

*Skills inventory for all parties involved

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Training – Conditioning – Rules – Groundwork/Guidelines

A Master should design their training to mould them into the type of slave you desire. If you wish a sex slave, then teach them those skills. If you require domestic, then train in those skills. A Master trains a slave to fit their needs. They can be trained to have many skills if required.

A Master becomes a slave’s personal trainer. They guide them into their future.

What do I need to train my slave?

You need a dominant personality, good character they can trust and a few foundations skills. A Master must know what they want and be realistic.

*Consistency
*Communication
*Establishing Rules/Rituals
*Expectation and then Follow through
*Negotiation
*Re-evaluation

Obedience

In order for a slave to exhibit proper behaviour and properly serve their Master, a slave must be obedient. It is a mental state of being obedient, compliance with their authority figure (the Master) and being subjected to any restraint or control they may choose for the slave.

Obedience has to be learnt, expanded and practiced in order for them to become an effective slave. It is a state of mind that involves a conscious choice on the slave’s part. They agree to being owned and part of that ownership is them agreeing to be obedient to their Master.

Rewards?
Rewards acknowledge their proper behaviour and reinforces it. Rewards show the slave that the Master is pleased. It is a tangible show of Love And Caring from the Master for a correct action.This is how the Master creates in the slave willingness to please Them. A happy slave will do anything to ensure the happiness of the Master and will avoid actions that disappoint.

Examples:
*allowed to play/orgasm
*a new toy
*allowed to have some free time to do as they wish
*extra Internet time
*later bed time
*allowed candy/sweets

Punishment?

Punishment is correcting misbehaviour. “The severity of the punishment must… be in keeping with the kind of obligation which has been violated” (Simone Weil).
1) Demonstrate to the slave that Master is displeased.
2) Show that the behaviour was unacceptable and their actions have consequences.
3) Provide reinforcement for a change to proper behaviour.

Different types of Training:
Physical Training - positions

Verbal Training – using honorifics

Mental Training - involves things like memorization, keeping a journal, improving concentration skills (i.e., meditation), acquiring new knowledge, improving problem-solving skills

Emotional Training - to help the submissive overcome unhelpful emotions (e.g., fear, guilt,
shame), to control emotional expression by the submissive, to facilitate openness on the part of the submissive and to extinguish things like dishonesty, possessiveness, materialism, jealousy, stubbornness, resistance, brattiness, surliness and egotism.

Practical Skills Training - duties relate to maintaining a dominant’s household. Cooking, cleaning, mending, blackboot

Rituals and Mantras - a ritual may be defined as any formalized action or set of actions, repeated in a specific and structured way. Rituals are processed at the inner self or subconscious level making the practice of rituals a very effective means of shaping a person's beliefs, self-image, thoughts and behavior.

*Rituals have an exactly repeatable structure, basically a script. Repeating the same thing regularly helps it become a habit that sinks deep into the self-conscious.

*Rituals should have a definite purpose, objective or goal. Whether the slave/submissive is aware of it or not, the Master/Dominant should be.

*The most effective rituals have a direct link to specific activities or events.
*Rituals should be simple, using relatively few words and acts.

*Rituals should have a definite beginning and end.

*The number of rituals should be limited. Too many and they become difficult to remember, a burden and limit spontaneity.

Sexual Training - what some people find sexually arousing can be a huge turnoff for others and vice versa:

*Learning to experience increased arousal
*Learning to become sexual in new ways

*Overcoming sexual blocks (e.g., mental, moral, ethical, shame)

*Erotic movement (e.g., erotic dance, striptease, pole dancing)
*Restrictions on masturbation frequency

*Orgasm control/denial

*Overcoming body shame

###Discipline and Correction### – This topic will be brought up later in the year and we can expand more.

Defining the Terms
Discipline - “Training that corrects, moulds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. Control gained by enforcing obedience or order. A rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity.”

Correction - “The action or an instance of correcting. A bringing into conformity with a standard. Something substituted in place of what is wrong.”

Punishment - “The act of punishing. Imposing a penalty on for a fault, offence, or violation. Inflicting a penalty for the commission of an offence in retribution or retaliation.

Source: Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Discipline and correction will cover a fairly broad area in slave/submissive training, including…

*Maintaining stillness
*Accepting restrictions on movement
*Being unobtrusive
*Posture
*Being restrained
*Delaying gratification
*Acceptance of pain
*Accepting punishment in the way dominant requires

Punishment can roughly be divided into two primary categories…
*Corporal punishment
*Non-corporal punishment

Few examples of non-corporal punishments techniques often used include…

*not permitted to play with the Master.
*not permitted to use the dominant’s name (e.g., Master, Mistress).
*not permitted to wear his/her collar.
*not permitted orgasms.
*not permitted to walk upright but must crawl.
*required to stand in a corner.
*is required to write essays on the topic requiring the punishment or may be required to write repetitive sentences (i.e., “I will not whine, pout or behave like a spoiled brat”).
*required to eat or drink from a pet bowl.

MaST: Winnipeg - Discovering Your Needs, Wants and Desires

“The Pillars of Power Exchange- Part I”

What is the difference between a need, a want and a desire?

Dictionary Definition:
Wants - have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.
- lack or be short of something desirable or essential

Needs - require (something) because it is essential or very important.
- circumstances in which something is necessary or that require some course of action; necessity.

Desire - a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
- strongly wish for or want (something).

Needs are something basic, something absolutely necessary. A want, on the other hand, is a feeling for something you lack. A desire is the craving to apprehend your want.

How does one figure out their needs, wants and desires?
How do you go about this after being together forever?
Do you compromise if your needs aren't the same as your partner(s)'s?
What happens when none, few, some are met?
What if my need is your want?
Who's needs come first in a Power Exchange relationship?

Example of an inventory:

What I need/want in a Master: Harsh and stern, but rewarding and loving. Pushes my limits and knows when to stop a scene. Physically fit and able to subdue me. Allows me to cook and clean for them

What I need/want in a slave: Obedient and giving. Asks for pleasure and orgasms. Focuses on giving me absolute pleasure BUT trusting me to not abuse it.

*Take an inventory of each for yourself first.

*Once you take an inventory, the next step is sharing them with your partner(s) of choice. Compare.

*Determining Needs vs. Wants

*Realizing Your Own Realistic Needs

*Balancing Your Needs With Your Wants

*Having Realistic expectations for the Relationship

*Take time to reflect upon your relationship to ensure you are not creating needs out of wants

*Re-evaluate yourself and re-evaluate the relationship together

*Be certain you are giving your time and attention to those things that are truly important to ensuring your relationship, both physical and emotional, and not unnecessarily inflating the importance of something that may bring you temporary joy but not long-lasting satisfaction or happiness.

*Invest a small amount of time (such as every 3 or 6 months) to reflect upon your relationship and ensure it is heading down the road that leads to your most important goals for your relationship.

“Every pot has its cover.” Therefore, whether Master/Dominant or slave/submissive there is no reason to be involved in relationships that do not satisfy you. Find your perfect match.
One thought process:

There is definitely a mutual exchange that happens within M/s. Everyone should be getting their needs met. However, a basic principle of a M/s Power Exchange is the strong desire the slave has to please and be led by their Master. Yes, slave/submissives get to let their Master/Dominant partner know what they do and do not want. The Master/Dominant partner should know the hard and soft limits of their slave/submissive AND vice versa.

Compromise

I don’t compromise with my slave, I compromise with reality. ~ Quote – Raven Kaldera, speaking about being flexible as a Master.

“You cannot make anyone do what he or she does not want to do. You can only teach them a better way and encourage them to try it.” Dr. Glasser (author - Control Theory Management)

MAsT: Winnipeg - Power Exchange and Mental Health

On September 19th we had a round table discussion on Power Exchange and Mental Health. It was a great meeting and we didn't cover nearly everything we could have. Here are some notes we had going into it.

1. How important is disclosure and who should know? When, how and how much?

• Importance depends on how responsible that person is for aftercare; where the interaction takes place (private home vs. public dungeon); how active the illness is; what actions are taking place in relation to your triggers.

• How much - as level of interaction deepens so should the level of disclosure
• 'saying too much too soon infers a sense of intimacy that might make a play partner overwhelmed, whereas saying too little to someone you have a deep emotional bond with may be read as hiding important information' 
• 'Don’t only know what your diagnosis is but also know what you look like when you are symptomatic'
• A progression of information

• When - anything where there is a real possibility of triggering should be disclosed before play, including anything with a remote possibility of triggering. Depends on how much personal risk you are willing to take (if you don't disclose all and are triggered, are you prepared to handle it yourself); dependent on how acute the illness is; tell as soon as possible especially if there is any thought of a long term relationship, before getting too invested only to find out it isn't going to work

• How - during negotiation when discussing the need-to-knows

• If you don’t what to disclose exact condition tell your play partner you want a cathartic scene in which you can cry, scream, etc (so they know some reactions to expect) but you have an aftercare plan in place

2. At what point do Power Exchange and Mental Health cause each more harm than good? How do we know when the PE or the entire relationship needs to end?

• When symptoms come up more frequently, it's time to question if something in the PE is triggering rather than helping; when you are coming up to more boundaries; when the mental illness is being ignored because of the PE or when the PE is being used as therapy; the style of the PE could be triggering (resembles too closely a bad experience)

• Might need to temporarily or permanently step back if the slave is focusing all of their time and energy serving their Master rather than getting better; could go either way or if both have mental illness and one is focusing/ignoring their own to help the other;  

• Don’t use ending the PE as a threat unless you would follow through ('get yourself out of this depression or we're going to end the Ms')

• When you are using the PE to try to Master someone out of a mental illness

  

3. How can we use protocols and rules to help with mental health stability? Examples we've found work for us.

• Form protocols or rules that help control/manage the person's illness, for example, rules that: reinforce the taking of medications;  set bedtimes; control self harm behaviors and binge eating; forbids ending our relationship on a whim;

• General expectations are laid out

• Rules and protocols written while the mentally unwell partner is in a good state can help lessen the frequency or severity of the bad times
• Having everyone involved in writing the rules helps get input that may not have been considered otherwise 
• Most people with mental health disorders benefit from having structure in their life

• Have a rule that you don’t discuss your relationship during turmoil, nothing good could come of it

• If setting a rule around trauma/issues providing the why would be helpful for the slave (ie. don't drive when sleepy because mother crashed after falling asleep driving)

• For an M with mental illness have rules for the slave to check in on the Master's progress in recovery, to ensure they are eating, ect.

4. How does Power Exchange work when it is the M-type with the mental illness.

• Still will benefit from rules and protocols to keep things going while unable to be as actively involved
• Have slave focus on things to ease the M's life so they can focus on getting well
• 'Porch time' could help if the M has trouble admitting they are depressed and so on while feeling they needed to be all Domly Dom within the dynamic
• Have system set up that if the slave notices their M is headed in a downward spiral that they are able to say something and give directions for things that would help them "you're getting really depressed, you need to go and ______ for a while"
• Have a rule that the slave listens to rules and orders given from 'sane' M not 'crazy' M
• Teach your s how to encourage you to do the things you need/want to do; use them as a tool to help keep you on track

5. Where does personal responsibility lie? Who's responsible for knowing and watching for triggers?

• If you have a trigger that is likely to come up in play or daily life and you have not shared that information, you are then taking on the personal responsibility to deal with it yourself if it comes up, the other involved is absolved of responsibility
• If you are being triggered in a situation where the trigger can not be stopped, it is your responsibility to remove yourself
• We are a team, with the primary job of working together to get the M/s/both through to a more stable space (the s's service is focused on working to get better)
• Know your limits as the non-challenged one, what you can tolerate, what you can deal with, what you need to recharge yourself so you don't burn out, what your capabilities are if you are going to help (are you qualified)
• Be self aware of your mood level, what is a zero and what is ten
• You may not be in control of words and actions during an episode, but you are responsible afterwards for mending any wounds you caused

  

6. M/s is not therapy but how can it be used for catharsis?

• Having all decisions made for you relieves the stress of deciding for oneself - littles
• Pain can give release, something to focus on outside of the anxiety, pulls someone out of their own chaos, when numb it opens the door to them feeling something, anything 

• When cathartic does not work - If self harm is occurring don’t do any activities in play that could reinforce/replicate the method used

7. What are some tips for when things go bad? ie. triggers, 'episodes'. 

• Learn DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) or other mindfulness based cognitive behavioral therapies
• After an episode guilt and shame for what was said and done might come out, use reassurance that you are still there and know that it wasn't really the person saying that, it was not actually personal and though hard to hear it's not what they actually feel; in the moment things are said with the intention to cause the most damage but again it is not the truth; "I hate you, don’t leave me"
• Canadian mental health association for information; crisis intervention training; mental health first aid;
• Don't take their illness personally; you did not cause it nor do you control it
• Validate their feelings; what they are feeling is real whether they make sense to you or not; don't tell them what to feel "Stop feeling depressed. Think about all the good things in life."
• Tell them what you actually think and feel rather than censoring to 'protect;' honesty lets them know they can trust you and can come to you; don’t stop treating your Master like a Master

• Tell them you value them; use I statements rather than general 'people care about you'

• Give them some space rather than trying to fix everything, but let them know you are their for them and have not abandoned them
• Talk to them about their illness and how it affects them, try to understand what they are going through and not just what books say the illness is

Resources 

"Mastering Minds: Dominants with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction" Raven Kaldera/Del Tashlin

"Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction" Raven Kaldera/Del Tashlin

http://www.paganbdsm.org/brokentoys/index.html

MAsT: Winnipeg - Etiquette meeting notes

On January 24th our discussion was on Etiquette. Here, finally, are the notes.

Etiquette

Definition - noun

1. Conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.

2. A prescribed or accepted code of usage in matters of ceremony, as at a court or in official or other formal observances.

3. The code of ethical behavior regarding professional practice or action among the members of a profession in their dealings with each other

Etiquette - imply observance of the formal requirements governing behavior in polite society. Etiquette refers to conventional forms and usages: the rules of etiquette. Decorum suggests dignity and a sense of what is becoming or appropriate for a person of good breeding: a fine sense of decorum. Propriety (usually plural) implies established conventions of morals and good taste: She never fails to observe the proprieties.

General Etiquette

We wanted to start off with some general etiquette. These rules of etiquette will basically always apply and by following them in any situation you won’t come across looking like an ass. Yes they all seem fairly obvious but they are still worth mentioning.

Be Polite: I’m sure your parents told you this, but be polite. Use your please and thank you’s. It doesn’t matter what title someone goes by ,when you are talking to them use your manners. Unless you are talking to your own submissive and it is part of your dynamic.

Don’t Assume: Don’t assume something is all right because you see someone else doing it.

Be Honest with others & be honest with yourself about what you want: If you are honest with yourself and the other people around, it will lead to a much better time for everyone involved.  

Don’t touch without permission: Consent is something we could easily do an entire night discussing. You will hear it mentioned a lot in our community and it covers everyone and everything (top, bottom, and implement/whatever). If you see a toy you would like to inspect then ask. In all likelihood the owner will be happy to show it to you. 

Be discreet: A lot of people in our lifestyle have to be discreet. This isn’t because we are ashamed of what we do or anything like that. Simply put it is because we live in the real world and not everyone accepts our lifestyle decisions. So that means at times we have to be careful as word getting out could cost people their families, their jobs and their friends

Respect Alternatives: Not everyone is going to be into the same things you are. Respect the differences. If someone is doing something you’re not into then leave the area.

Event Etiquette (Public and Private)

Fetish events for the most part all have some amount of rules. Be they unspoken, or formalized it is important for the people attending the event to know the rules. A great example of rules for a local event would be those for the Ball.

The following is taken directly from the Ball website theball.ca

- No minors - proof of age will be required.
- No means no. Sexual harassment will not be tolerated. (Please direct any complaints to the door personnel for immediate action.)
- No cameras or media recording devices (including cell phone cams).
- No genital contact.
- No breaking of skin.
- No asphyxiation.
- No urination or defecation outside of washrooms.
- No soliciting.
- No beverages purchased outside of the premises will be allowed in.
- No drugs.
- No interrupting scenes.
- No homophobia or racism will be tolerated.
- Exposed breasts and nipples are allowed! The anus and genitals must be adorned or covered (Full Nudity is not allowed.)
- Fetish attire only! Fetish attire is defined as:

• Leather (vest/jacket itself is not enough)
• BDSM Gear and/or attir
• Black jeans or modified blue jeans are allowed (but not unmodified blue jeans)
• Lace items
• Lingerie
• Latex, PVC, Rubber, Spandex, Zentai and etc.
• Costumes and adult uniforms

• No children’s uniforms are allowed

• Gothic or industrial attire
• Cross dressing attire
• Saran wrap

• No T-shirts are allowed (other than official “The Ball” shirts and clothing)

- Please Play at your own risk.
- Please direct any complaints or violations to the door personnel for immediate action.
- Any violation of a rule may be considered as a justification for immediate eviction from the event without refund or other recourse. 
- Fetish Mistress/Master’s word is final.

The rules will be different from place to place and event to event.  

We looked at another list of rules that comes from an event down in Texas. We have only highlighted the rules where there is a difference.  

- Play sober. Do not bring alcohol or recreational drugs to the party.
- Please be prepared with something to cover your more daring clothing -- or lack thereof -- when you go outside the party space. - Please agree on safe words for scenes. "Red" will be a default safeword. - Respect scenes. Limit conversation and screaming in the play area. Don't crowd the playing areas. - Respect the playspace. Clean up after messy scenes. Use a drop cloth when waxing. No scat or water sports. - Limit play to the playspace.
- Do not engage in play outside the Dungeon Monitor's line of vision. - Dungeon Monitors have the final word on everything including the right to stop an unsafe or abusive scene. Check with the DM before any fireplay (waxing, cupping, flash paper, etc.), piercing, or bloodsports. - No Fire arms.  

The last one might seem like a really pointless rule to some of us but in Texas they have an open carry law where if you are licensed you can carry a sidearm. So they need to make it very clear that it is not allowed at their events.

Out in Public

Every so often a note will pop up on Fetlife and make the rounds about someone being outted. We talked early about what huge impact this can have on a person's life and livelihood. If you see someone you know from the community out in public do not assume you can just walk up to them and start talking. They could be waiting for their kids, out with their mother or they could be thrilled to talk. If you want to talk try making eye contact with them, if they return it they might wave you over. If they don’t return it you shouldn’t take it as a slight. There are lots of reasons they might not be able to acknowledge you.

Under no circumstance do you ever have the right to tell someone anything about someone else's lifestyle choices. It is never your story to share. Of course, the exception to this would be a medical doctor or law enforcement, but even then it is only during very specific situations.

Scene Etiquette

Know what to expect beforehand if you are taking part in a scene. Discuss it with both parties and make sure you have the consent of everyone involved.  

If you are not taking part in the scene, limit the conversation around it and don’t try to engage those in the scene in conversation.

Your fetish doesn’t have to be mine

There are a lot of different fetishes out there and a wide array of interests. Not everyone is going to be into the same thing and that makes things all the more exciting. Over the course of attending events you will likely be exposed to fetishes that you aren’t into. Some might shock, surprise or even revolt you. In that case, excuse yourself from the situation and remember that some of the things you do and enjoy might make other people feel the same way.

Public/event scenes (forcing your fetish on others)

If you are planning a public scene think about what it is going to include in advance and think about your audience. Just because everyone is free to have different fetishes doesn’t always mean that you can perform it anywhere. If you are going to have a scene somewhere, people should be able to leave the space or have a place they can go to get away from it. If people don’t have a place to go you are basically forcing your fetish on them. Also make sure that people in the audience are aware of what you are doing.  

Consent

We touched on consent earlier in the discussion but as it is one of the most important things we are mentioning today, I felt it was worth saying again. You will find that it also comes up a lot on FetLife as well. Notes about it regularly make it on to Kinky and Popular. It is just that important.

I think this statement sums up consent fairly well: 

"If you are going to do something that involves someone else, you need their permission first! Without it you are breaking their consent and forcing them to do something they may not have wanted."

Online Etiquette

We wanted to close out this discussion on etiquette by touching briefly on Netiquette. Most of us probably spend a fair amount of time on the internet and on sites like FetLife or Facebook so this felt like a worthwhile addition to the topic.

Context & Location: What might be ok to say on one site might not be on the other. So keep in mind where you are.  

Double Check before you send: Could what you have written be misinterpreted? Is it rude, mean, sarcastic (sarcasm never comes across in writing the way it was meant too). If it is any of those, then you likely shouldn’t bother sending it. There is no reason to be a troll or give the trolls something to feed on.

Grammar Rules: Yes, grammar is still important, however no one needs to be ridiculed for every little mistake in a post.

Keep it a Secret:  Today things can be downloaded and Photoshopped in a heartbeat by a 3 year old. If you think a post or picture might get someone in trouble or compromise their privacy then don’t post it. You might even want to just delete it. Also if you are going to post something be sure that you have that person's consent.

Don’t Hide: A lot of us use funky names on the internet, it provides a certain amount of anonymity. But it can also create a poisonous atmosphere where people can say and do what they want without fear of repercussions. Be a productive member of the community. If you need to make a SockPuppet account to say something or get a point across then it likely isn’t worth saying in the first place.

MAsT: Winnipeg - Discreet Ms notes

Our latest meeting on November 29 covered the topic of Discreet Ms. We went over some ideas of how to continue the dynamic while surrounded by those not in the lifestyle; communicating rules and permissions without bringing others into it. Here are our notes:

First and foremost know what level of expectation there is before getting into the situation. Is it a relaxing evening with friends with minimal service or a nice dinner with family with attention to serving?

Use non-verbal substitutions when communication in not possible
- eye contact, gesturing (pointing with eyes, inconspicuous hand signals)
- patting seat next to me to show slave can sit
- possibly text messaging if it can remain inconspicuous
- placing a hand on thigh to indicate permission to eat

Request permission/Permit or deny by stating intention or destination
- “I’m going to the kitchen to get a drink, do you want one?” - does Master need anything
- “Do I have time to use the bathroom before we go?” - may I use the bathroom
- “Didn’t you already have a chocolate bar today?” - no cake for you!
- “This cake is really good, you should try some.” - you can have a treat

Hide offering service to Master by offering service to whole group
- “Can I get anyone anything while I’m up?”

Do small things without drawing attention to it
- walking with a hand on the back of the slave’s neck
- having the slave carry things while shopping
- sitting on the floor when others are or when seats are needed by others
- making coffee for self and Master
- putting oneself in the place to open doors according to who usually opens the doors
 
Discreet play
- taping over inside of sunglasses and walking around with the slave wearing them being guided by Master using agreed upon signals to alert to turns, steps up or down, etc.
- a leash attached to a collar and fed through the arm of a jacket, holding hands means holding the leash
- under clothing bondage and plugs
- ankle cuff with or without bell attached
- collar under a scarf

There are any number of ways to continue a PE dynamic no matter what situation you are in as long as expectations are known ahead of time and a little bit of planning goes into it. As in anything with this lifestyle, communication is key.

- Lee