- How important is disclosure and who should know? When, how and how much?
- Importance depends on how responsible that person is for aftercare; where the interaction takes place (private home vs. public dungeon); how active the illness is; what actions are taking place in relation to your triggers.
- How much - as level of interaction deepens so should the level of disclosure
- 'saying too much too soon infers a sense of intimacy that might make a play partner overwhelmed, whereas saying too little to someone you have a deep emotional bond with may be read as hiding important information'
- 'Don’t only know what your diagnosis is but also know what you look like when you are symptomatic'
- A progression of information
- When - anything where there is a real possibility of triggering should be disclosed before play, including anything with a remote possibility of triggering. Depends on how much personal risk you are willing to take (if you don't disclose all and are triggered, are you prepared to handle it yourself); dependent on how acute the illness is; tell as soon as possible especially if there is any thought of a long term relationship, before getting too invested only to find out it isn't going to work
- How - during negotiation when discussing the need-to-knows
- If you don’t what to disclose exact condition tell your play partner you want a cathartic scene in which you can cry, scream, etc (so they know some reactions to expect) but you have an aftercare plan in place
- At what point do Power Exchange and Mental Health cause each more harm than good? How do we know when the PE or the entire relationship needs to end?
- When symptoms come up more frequently, it's time to question if something in the PE is triggering rather than helping; when you are coming up to more boundaries; when the mental illness is being ignored because of the PE or when the PE is being used as therapy; the style of the PE could be triggering (resembles too closely a bad experience)
- Might need to temporarily or permanently step back if the slave is focusing all of their time and energy serving their Master rather than getting better; could go either way or if both have mental illness and one is focusing/ignoring their own to help the other;
- Don’t use ending the PE as a threat unless you would follow through ('get yourself out of this depression or we're going to end the Ms')
- When you are using the PE to try to Master someone out of a mental illness
- How can we use protocols and rules to help with mental health stability? Examples we've found work for us.
- Form protocols or rules that help control/manage the person's illness, for example, rules that: reinforce the taking of medications; set bedtimes; control self harm behaviors and binge eating; forbids ending our relationship on a whim;
- General expectations are laid out
- Rules and protocols written while the mentally unwell partner is in a good state can help lessen the frequency or severity of the bad times
- Having everyone involved in writing the rules helps get input that may not have been considered otherwise
- Most people with mental health disorders benefit from having structure in their life
- Have a rule that you don’t discuss your relationship during turmoil, nothing good could come of it
- If setting a rule around trauma/issues providing the why would be helpful for the slave (ie. don't drive when sleepy because mother crashed after falling asleep driving)
- For an M with mental illness have rules for the slave to check in on the Master's progress in recovery, to ensure they are eating, ect.
- How does Power Exchange work when it is the M-type with the mental illness.
- Still will benefit from rules and protocols to keep things going while unable to be as actively involved
- Have slave focus on things to ease the M's life so they can focus on getting well
- 'Porch time' could help if the M has trouble admitting they are depressed and so on while feeling they needed to be all Domly Dom within the dynamic
- Have system set up that if the slave notices their M is headed in a downward spiral that they are able to say something and give directions for things that would help them "you're getting really depressed, you need to go and ______ for a while"
- Have a rule that the slave listens to rules and orders given from 'sane' M not 'crazy' M
- Teach your s how to encourage you to do the things you need/want to do; use them as a tool to help keep you on track
- Where does personal responsibility lie? Who's responsible for knowing and watching for triggers?
- If you have a trigger that is likely to come up in play or daily life and you have not shared that information, you are then taking on the personal responsibility to deal with it yourself if it comes up, the other involved is absolved of responsibility
- If you are being triggered in a situation where the trigger can not be stopped, it is your responsibility to remove yourself
- We are a team, with the primary job of working together to get the M/s/both through to a more stable space (the s's service is focused on working to get better)
- Know your limits as the non-challenged one, what you can tolerate, what you can deal with, what you need to recharge yourself so you don't burn out, what your capabilities are if you are going to help (are you qualified)
- Be self aware of your mood level, what is a zero and what is ten
- You may not be in control of words and actions during an episode, but you are responsible afterwards for mending any wounds you caused
- M/s is not therapy but how can it be used for catharsis?
- Having all decisions made for you relieves the stress of deciding for oneself - littles
- Pain can give release, something to focus on outside of the anxiety, pulls someone out of their own chaos, when numb it opens the door to them feeling something, anything
- When cathartic does not work - If self harm is occurring don’t do any activities in play that could reinforce/replicate the method used
- What are some tips for when things go bad? ie. triggers, 'episodes'.
- Learn DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) or other mindfulness based cognitive behavioral therapies
- After an episode guilt and shame for what was said and done might come out, use reassurance that you are still there and know that it wasn't really the person saying that, it was not actually personal and though hard to hear it's not what they actually feel; in the moment things are said with the intention to cause the most damage but again it is not the truth; "I hate you, don’t leave me"
- Canadian mental health association for information; crisis intervention training; mental health first aid;
- Don't take their illness personally; you did not cause it nor do you control it
- Validate their feelings; what they are feeling is real whether they make sense to you or not; don't tell them what to feel "Stop feeling depressed. Think about all the good things in life."
- Tell them what you actually think and feel rather than censoring to 'protect;' honesty lets them know they can trust you and can come to you; don’t stop treating your Master like a Master
- Tell them you value them; use I statements rather than general 'people care about you'
- Give them some space rather than trying to fix everything, but let them know you are their for them and have not abandoned them
- Talk to them about their illness and how it affects them, try to understand what they are going through and not just what books say the illness is
Resources
"Mastering
Minds: Dominants with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction" Raven
Kaldera/Del Tashlin
"Broken
Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction" Raven
Kaldera/Del Tashlin
