MAsT: Winnipeg - Discreet M/s

Know what level of expectation there is before getting into the situation. Is it a relaxing evening with friends with minimal service or nice dinner with family with attention to serving?

Why?

• maintain the dynamic no matter the situation and because other have not consented to being part of your dynamic/play
• to keep dynamic going
• brings you closer to have a secret
• in a kink situation, discreet to keep from drawing the attention to yourselves and focus away from other scenes

Non-verbal substitutions

• eye contact, gesturing (pointing with eyes, inconspicuous hand signals)
• patting seat next to me to show you can sit
• possible text messaging
• placing a hand on thigh to indicate permission to eat

Request permission/Permit or deny by stating intention or destination

• “I’m going to the kitchen to get a drink, do you want one?”
• “Do I have time to use the bathroom before we go?”
• “Didn’t you already have a chocolate bar today?” – no cake for you!
• “This cake is really good, you should try some.”
• Hide offering service to Master by offering service to whole group
• - “Can I get anyone anything while I’m up?”

Do small things without drawing attention to it

• walking with a hand on the back of the slave’s neck
• having the slave carry things while shopping
• sitting on the floor when others are or when seats are needed for others
• making coffee for self and Master
• putting oneself in the place to open doors according to who usually opens the doors
• use word substitutions ie. My Love in place of Sir
• in a restaurant ordering/choosing food by either party depending on how it is viewed
• slave dishing up for Master in a family buffet situation - reduces the amount of people around the table

Discreet play

• taping over inside of sunglasses and walking around with the slave wearing them
• a leash attached to a collar and fed through the arm of a jacket, holding hands means holding the leash
• under clothing bondage and plugs, ben wah bals
• ankle cuff with or without bell attached
• collar under a scarf
• writing on slaves body, especially where slave has to be careful about exposing it
• make slave eat food they don't like
• make slave wear clothing they wouldn't normally wear in that situation
• day collar

Being Discreet Through Social Media

• how much do you share
• are rules and protocols continued online
• how to interact on vanilla sites when the audience is mixed

MAsT: Winnipeg - Conflict Resolution

• What do we mean when we say conflict resolution? Conflict resolution is a willingness to negotiate with a clear commitment that there won’t be winners or losers. It assumes that each person's needs are valid and understandable and draws on a willingness to compromise.
• Why are we talking about conflict resolution? Because it’s not a matter of if it’s a matter of when a disagreement will come up
• We’re in a Master/slave relationship so doesn’t that mean that the Master is always right? Slaves have their own needs and opinions that need to be taken into consideration. If they just give in and abandon them, it will create frustration and resentment which in the long run will be detrimental or could even end a relationship.

1. How can we mitigate or decrease the chance of conflict from happening in the first place?

• Regular check ins to help decrease build up if person/persons are prone to clamming up, could be verbal, diary, journal or blog
• Sometimes differences appear trivial but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem, these needs can be a need to feel safe/secure, respect/valued, greater closeness/intimacy. Address these needs at the 'trivial' stage to keep them from growing
• Try to see the other person's side of the story, don’t wait for a fight to consider what's happening with them (increases connection with them too)
• Avoid bringing up problems in the heat of the moment/without prior thought, avoid making snap decisions
• Before bringing up an issue try to have a specific plan or script, try to anticipate how the other person is likely to act
• Know what you want; look for a sense of yearning or what makes you uncomfortable to know what this is
• Know what your style of conflict management is, ie. Do you need extra space to process, are you passive, assertive or aggressive
• Pay attention to red flags that indicate you are starting to lose control: feeling hot or flushed, heart pounding, short of breath, tension within your body, talking more rapidly or loudly than usual, feeling a strong need to win
• Ask your partner how they deal when they get overwhelmed so you can watch for the warning signs and address issues before they get to the point of conflict
• Have conflict reduction plans in place, ie. Give space to cool off, how long, where, when; include a plan for who/when restart will take place
• Have a game plan- a contract, rules – we’ll come back to this in a moment
• Study conflict resolution, ie. Take classes or read books
• Appreciate your partner and notice and express things you like about them
• Say thank you instead of I'm sorry
• Four components to a brief request:

1. Brief justification-explain in one sentence what the problem is (it's hot in hear, these bags are heavy)
2. A softening statement-would you mind if, I would appreciate it if you would
3. A direct a specific question-what you want clearly and exactly
4. An appreciation statement-reinforces the behavior of the other person saying yes, makes them feel you value what they are doing (thank you so much, this will really help me out, this is much appreciated)
5. "I'm really struggling Sir, it would be helpful if you could clean the bathroom, this will make a real difference."

2. What to do when Master is wrong/has done something wrong/has to admit or deal with the consequences

• What do you mean the Master is wrong?!?
• Not every bad decision needs to be '"admitted", when M does something wrong they need to balance telling their s with keeping up airs of authority
• With time, M admitting their mistakes gets easier as a foundation of trust has already been established
• If time isn't a factor, having a plan on how to fix the mistake/deal with consequences or already have fixed it helps re-establish trust and M's control of the situation
• In the beginning porch time might help a M who feels like they cannot divulge their errors
• Consequences- knowing that the person who is completely dependent on you has possibly had their foundation shaken and leaves them wondering if you are able to be in charge
• A simple apology goes a long way
• Don’t expect perfection, we are all human
• Whether or not you make a mistake is not nearly as important as how you react when you make a mistake

3. What to do when slave disagrees strongly with a decision/order

• In a mature, healthy relationship the servant is able to offer advice and contrary opinions respectfully, in a manner appropriate to their role and acceptable to their M without either person feeling that this is a challenge to the M's authority
• Hard part is that s must not take it personally or become upset if the M rejects their solution or says no to the request to offer solution
• S needs to let go of attachment to having to do things their way
• Reasons why a s would disagree: s knows more about the subject/has info related to subject that M doesn't have; s doesn't understand what's asked of them; s finds the request distasteful; s is unsure of their ability to complete what has been requested of them
• When a slave knows more about a subject than the Master (Master can give minimal direction/instruction/be vague ie. I want X done however is best)
• Three choices- order s to obey blindly then ask why after task is completed if still unsure as to why; listen to s's reason and do it their way; listen to s's reason then do it M's way or modify M's way
• One simple way to start is to assume that the M lacks specific info and to deliver that info as a flat statement and phrase the problem as a statement of info allows the M to integrate it at will and change orders if necessary
• May I suggest an alternate solution?
• Voicing emotional discomfort with an order is different from voicing a disagreement with the order. "Yes Sir" vs "As you say Sir" Use 'yes sir' when in complete agreement and 'as you say sir' if you feel the D is wrong, that way they will know that they might need to check what's happening but if they choose to do it anyways the s will follow, it allows the No without breaking the dynamic
• Prime directive 'primary importance of s is to protect M's property, up to and including from M themselves' this makes it the responsibility of slave to say 'this is what I need to be safe and healthy and takes away the s's capacity to squash it ' by reporting having a difficult time or disagreeing you are obeying the person you serve

4. Rules around conflict resolution

• If/How s approaches M when they disagree strongly with an order/decision
• When/how can s approach M with a problem/Know the rules of engagement with your partner, ie. Protocols, free speech
• How s approaches the M when s has realized M has made a mistake (before the M has realized same)
• If s knows D is already overloaded or busy, have a way for the s to approach and let the D know there is something that needs to be discussed/decisions to be made while giving the D a chance to 'take a time out' before and/or after to regroup

5. Because I said so/final answer/radical acceptance of because I said so

• Should a slave, time permitting, expect an explanation from their M prior to doing an order, or blindly do it. Then if they still don't understand, ask why
• To radically accept means you accept something completely, without judging it; stop fighting reality and let go of bitterness
• When a compromise is not happening
• When M has information that s doesn’t have, it is time sensitive and M can't share/doesn't feel the need to share
• When it is not something that is big enough or going to effect the s enough for there to be more explanation than 'Because I said so'
• To reinforce the authority that the M has over the s
• To accept 'Because I said so' the s can stomp their feet and curse under their breath
• "Yes Sir" "As you say Sir"

6. Porch time

• Always be respectful when speaking no matter the role or topic
• Agree to not use fear or shame, for example: Discounting or denigrating the other person's feelings (everyone needs to be seen and heard), threats of abandonment
• Negotiate a space for conversations that is safe
• Open communication encouraged all the time/no punishment for speaking up as long it is not disrespectful or untruthful and is appropriately timed
• Having a specific place to go could be helpful especially if you have children=zero distraction or interruption
• Not able to walk away from what you said to your partner nor forget what they said to you when 'done' porch time
• Create a safe space, not just a physical space but create a safe mental space

7. How to know which battles to fight and as the Master be willing to not have to win them all

• Know your core values and why you want XYZ; need to be able to decide if it's importance is above the emotional distress it causes the s to comply (i.e. elle's pills and bad days)
• Master doesn’t need to win every battle to prove their authority as long as they stick to their core values and aren't giving up on their principles
• Acknowledging an s has a better idea doesn’t take away from the M's authority
• Listening to the s could prove that they have an idea or way of doing something that the M hadn't considered that is more beneficial to the M than their own plan had been (I have an intelligent s, I am more than happy to use her brains for my or our mutual gain)

8. What to do during conflict

• No bargaining/giving up on your principals to appease the other
• Take responsibility for your part in the conflict/mistake
• Ask for what you want-'when you ___, I feel ____, I would prefer ____' identifies the actual point of the conflict, connects it with the feelings behind, offers up potential solution, it's not blaming or putting it on the other person, it targets the behaviour specifically
• Focus on person's behaviour not their characteristics
• Don’t look for who is right/wrong, look at the problem as a puzzle you have to work together to solve
• Acknowledge other person's concerns 'I realize this issue is important to you'
• Ask the other person their goals/what they need in this situation/intent of action/fears
• Don’t falsely assume you know what the other person wants or project your owns fears, needs and feelings onto the other person; don’t avoid asking the other person because you fear their answer
• Validate other person's concerns rather than arguing
• Look for disconfirming information (info that is in the other person's defense)
• Keep your points brief and specific, limit your conversation to one or two points
• Avoid yelling and blaming, if emotions increase may need a time out
• Monitor your body language-avoid crossing your arms, pointing, leaning away, not making eye contact
• Use active listening
• Mirroring, repeat back what they have said, 'so what I hear you say is ____' allows for correction if there is a misunderstanding by receiver, allows the receiver to process what the speaker said
• If your partner said or did something that you took a different way than what they meant it and it hurt you, tell them 'you didn't mean it, but the result was that I felt this way'
• Accept the other person's response, if they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you received it, take that at face value
• If someone asks what can I do to help the answer might be nothing but acknowledge their offer
• If situation is minor or on the mend, humour can help reduce tension or anger

9. How to move past a conflict once it is over

• Leave it in the past, don’t carry one conflict into the next if it has been dealt with
• Be willing to forgive
• Set a check in date to monitor progress
• If problem is behavioural and you are willing to change, tell your partner that you are willing to modify your behaviour
• If behaviour is unconscious ask your partner to respectfully point out when you are doing it to help you be aware in order to work on it
• Take responsibility for your actions and apologize
• Review your game plan to see if any alteration can/needs to be made
• Review the problem to figure out the route cause especially if it is not a new problem
• Act opposite to your emotions, show a little love and caring if you are feeling upset especially if your partner has problems related to insecurity
• Don’t beat yourself up that you had a fight, it is a sign you are both still working on the relationship
• Avoid the blame game-there can be a lot of different kinds of blame trying to lodge into your brain- toys, yourself, people around you, the other person- but blame is worthless. The only thing worth figuring out is what contributed to make the mistake and how to avoid having those contributions in the future