MAsT: Winnipeg - Etiquette meeting notes

On January 24th our discussion was on Etiquette. Here, finally, are the notes.

Etiquette

Definition - noun

1. Conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.

2. A prescribed or accepted code of usage in matters of ceremony, as at a court or in official or other formal observances.

3. The code of ethical behavior regarding professional practice or action among the members of a profession in their dealings with each other

Etiquette - imply observance of the formal requirements governing behavior in polite society. Etiquette refers to conventional forms and usages: the rules of etiquette. Decorum suggests dignity and a sense of what is becoming or appropriate for a person of good breeding: a fine sense of decorum. Propriety (usually plural) implies established conventions of morals and good taste: She never fails to observe the proprieties.

General Etiquette

We wanted to start off with some general etiquette. These rules of etiquette will basically always apply and by following them in any situation you won’t come across looking like an ass. Yes they all seem fairly obvious but they are still worth mentioning.

Be Polite: I’m sure your parents told you this, but be polite. Use your please and thank you’s. It doesn’t matter what title someone goes by ,when you are talking to them use your manners. Unless you are talking to your own submissive and it is part of your dynamic.

Don’t Assume: Don’t assume something is all right because you see someone else doing it.

Be Honest with others & be honest with yourself about what you want: If you are honest with yourself and the other people around, it will lead to a much better time for everyone involved.  

Don’t touch without permission: Consent is something we could easily do an entire night discussing. You will hear it mentioned a lot in our community and it covers everyone and everything (top, bottom, and implement/whatever). If you see a toy you would like to inspect then ask. In all likelihood the owner will be happy to show it to you. 

Be discreet: A lot of people in our lifestyle have to be discreet. This isn’t because we are ashamed of what we do or anything like that. Simply put it is because we live in the real world and not everyone accepts our lifestyle decisions. So that means at times we have to be careful as word getting out could cost people their families, their jobs and their friends

Respect Alternatives: Not everyone is going to be into the same things you are. Respect the differences. If someone is doing something you’re not into then leave the area.

Event Etiquette (Public and Private)

Fetish events for the most part all have some amount of rules. Be they unspoken, or formalized it is important for the people attending the event to know the rules. A great example of rules for a local event would be those for the Ball.

The following is taken directly from the Ball website theball.ca

- No minors - proof of age will be required.
- No means no. Sexual harassment will not be tolerated. (Please direct any complaints to the door personnel for immediate action.)
- No cameras or media recording devices (including cell phone cams).
- No genital contact.
- No breaking of skin.
- No asphyxiation.
- No urination or defecation outside of washrooms.
- No soliciting.
- No beverages purchased outside of the premises will be allowed in.
- No drugs.
- No interrupting scenes.
- No homophobia or racism will be tolerated.
- Exposed breasts and nipples are allowed! The anus and genitals must be adorned or covered (Full Nudity is not allowed.)
- Fetish attire only! Fetish attire is defined as:

• Leather (vest/jacket itself is not enough)
• BDSM Gear and/or attir
• Black jeans or modified blue jeans are allowed (but not unmodified blue jeans)
• Lace items
• Lingerie
• Latex, PVC, Rubber, Spandex, Zentai and etc.
• Costumes and adult uniforms

• No children’s uniforms are allowed

• Gothic or industrial attire
• Cross dressing attire
• Saran wrap

• No T-shirts are allowed (other than official “The Ball” shirts and clothing)

- Please Play at your own risk.
- Please direct any complaints or violations to the door personnel for immediate action.
- Any violation of a rule may be considered as a justification for immediate eviction from the event without refund or other recourse. 
- Fetish Mistress/Master’s word is final.

The rules will be different from place to place and event to event.  

We looked at another list of rules that comes from an event down in Texas. We have only highlighted the rules where there is a difference.  

- Play sober. Do not bring alcohol or recreational drugs to the party.
- Please be prepared with something to cover your more daring clothing -- or lack thereof -- when you go outside the party space. - Please agree on safe words for scenes. "Red" will be a default safeword. - Respect scenes. Limit conversation and screaming in the play area. Don't crowd the playing areas. - Respect the playspace. Clean up after messy scenes. Use a drop cloth when waxing. No scat or water sports. - Limit play to the playspace.
- Do not engage in play outside the Dungeon Monitor's line of vision. - Dungeon Monitors have the final word on everything including the right to stop an unsafe or abusive scene. Check with the DM before any fireplay (waxing, cupping, flash paper, etc.), piercing, or bloodsports. - No Fire arms.  

The last one might seem like a really pointless rule to some of us but in Texas they have an open carry law where if you are licensed you can carry a sidearm. So they need to make it very clear that it is not allowed at their events.

Out in Public

Every so often a note will pop up on Fetlife and make the rounds about someone being outted. We talked early about what huge impact this can have on a person's life and livelihood. If you see someone you know from the community out in public do not assume you can just walk up to them and start talking. They could be waiting for their kids, out with their mother or they could be thrilled to talk. If you want to talk try making eye contact with them, if they return it they might wave you over. If they don’t return it you shouldn’t take it as a slight. There are lots of reasons they might not be able to acknowledge you.

Under no circumstance do you ever have the right to tell someone anything about someone else's lifestyle choices. It is never your story to share. Of course, the exception to this would be a medical doctor or law enforcement, but even then it is only during very specific situations.

Scene Etiquette

Know what to expect beforehand if you are taking part in a scene. Discuss it with both parties and make sure you have the consent of everyone involved.  

If you are not taking part in the scene, limit the conversation around it and don’t try to engage those in the scene in conversation.

Your fetish doesn’t have to be mine

There are a lot of different fetishes out there and a wide array of interests. Not everyone is going to be into the same thing and that makes things all the more exciting. Over the course of attending events you will likely be exposed to fetishes that you aren’t into. Some might shock, surprise or even revolt you. In that case, excuse yourself from the situation and remember that some of the things you do and enjoy might make other people feel the same way.

Public/event scenes (forcing your fetish on others)

If you are planning a public scene think about what it is going to include in advance and think about your audience. Just because everyone is free to have different fetishes doesn’t always mean that you can perform it anywhere. If you are going to have a scene somewhere, people should be able to leave the space or have a place they can go to get away from it. If people don’t have a place to go you are basically forcing your fetish on them. Also make sure that people in the audience are aware of what you are doing.  

Consent

We touched on consent earlier in the discussion but as it is one of the most important things we are mentioning today, I felt it was worth saying again. You will find that it also comes up a lot on FetLife as well. Notes about it regularly make it on to Kinky and Popular. It is just that important.

I think this statement sums up consent fairly well: 

"If you are going to do something that involves someone else, you need their permission first! Without it you are breaking their consent and forcing them to do something they may not have wanted."

Online Etiquette

We wanted to close out this discussion on etiquette by touching briefly on Netiquette. Most of us probably spend a fair amount of time on the internet and on sites like FetLife or Facebook so this felt like a worthwhile addition to the topic.

Context & Location: What might be ok to say on one site might not be on the other. So keep in mind where you are.  

Double Check before you send: Could what you have written be misinterpreted? Is it rude, mean, sarcastic (sarcasm never comes across in writing the way it was meant too). If it is any of those, then you likely shouldn’t bother sending it. There is no reason to be a troll or give the trolls something to feed on.

Grammar Rules: Yes, grammar is still important, however no one needs to be ridiculed for every little mistake in a post.

Keep it a Secret:  Today things can be downloaded and Photoshopped in a heartbeat by a 3 year old. If you think a post or picture might get someone in trouble or compromise their privacy then don’t post it. You might even want to just delete it. Also if you are going to post something be sure that you have that person's consent.

Don’t Hide: A lot of us use funky names on the internet, it provides a certain amount of anonymity. But it can also create a poisonous atmosphere where people can say and do what they want without fear of repercussions. Be a productive member of the community. If you need to make a SockPuppet account to say something or get a point across then it likely isn’t worth saying in the first place.