MAsT: Winnipeg - Discreet Ms notes

Our latest meeting on November 29 covered the topic of Discreet Ms. We went over some ideas of how to continue the dynamic while surrounded by those not in the lifestyle; communicating rules and permissions without bringing others into it. Here are our notes:

First and foremost know what level of expectation there is before getting into the situation. Is it a relaxing evening with friends with minimal service or a nice dinner with family with attention to serving?

Use non-verbal substitutions when communication in not possible
- eye contact, gesturing (pointing with eyes, inconspicuous hand signals)
- patting seat next to me to show slave can sit
- possibly text messaging if it can remain inconspicuous
- placing a hand on thigh to indicate permission to eat

Request permission/Permit or deny by stating intention or destination
- “I’m going to the kitchen to get a drink, do you want one?” - does Master need anything
- “Do I have time to use the bathroom before we go?” - may I use the bathroom
- “Didn’t you already have a chocolate bar today?” - no cake for you!
- “This cake is really good, you should try some.” - you can have a treat

Hide offering service to Master by offering service to whole group
- “Can I get anyone anything while I’m up?”

Do small things without drawing attention to it
- walking with a hand on the back of the slave’s neck
- having the slave carry things while shopping
- sitting on the floor when others are or when seats are needed by others
- making coffee for self and Master
- putting oneself in the place to open doors according to who usually opens the doors
 
Discreet play
- taping over inside of sunglasses and walking around with the slave wearing them being guided by Master using agreed upon signals to alert to turns, steps up or down, etc.
- a leash attached to a collar and fed through the arm of a jacket, holding hands means holding the leash
- under clothing bondage and plugs
- ankle cuff with or without bell attached
- collar under a scarf

There are any number of ways to continue a PE dynamic no matter what situation you are in as long as expectations are known ahead of time and a little bit of planning goes into it. As in anything with this lifestyle, communication is key.

- Lee

Flogging 201 Workshop

November 8th we held a flogging 201 workshop with Dungeon_Beast demonstrating the four stroke and six stroke techniques. Back in September he started us off with the basics of flogging in the 101 workshop so everyone was geared up to take the next step. With the demo-bottoming of SubFitnessbarbie and the assistance of nilla, the room was filled with the sounds of leather on bare flesh. Many people were also able to get some one-on one-direction to help them figure out the techniques and the poor spanking bench faced eight floggers simultaneously as folks gathered around to practice.

I'm sure there were many bottoms being reddened after everyone went their separate ways!

- Lee

MAsT: Winnipeg - Changes and Power Exchange notes

On October 18 we gathered for a discussion on how changes can affect power exchange relationships and went over some ideas to help keep the dynamic on track. elle and I gave some of our background to give an idea what of we have been through. The following are our notes from the meeting: 

Definitions:

Change - the act or instance of making or becoming different

-       Power Exchange Relationship - a consensual relationship between 2 or more people that is based on an exchange of authority and power. S-type retains the freedom to leave

Introduction: Lee and elle

• Met in January of 2010
• September 2010 began forays into BDSM with playing around/switching in the bedroom
• By December we had switched to 24/7
• Married in July 2011
• January 2012 power exchange started to fall apart – Lee on medical leave and roles jumbled
• Moved from BC to MB in June 2012, lived with elle’s mom and stepdad = no privacy, learning a new city, finding/setting up home and finding work - PE non-existent
• June 2012 – April 2013 elle has cancer scare
• Moved into our own place August 2012 - many attempts to get back on track with our dynamic but unsuccessful
• April 2013 all clear with cancer scare and started process of trying to have a baby
• January 2014 joined MAsT - kick started M/s
• June 2014 joined MAsT: Winnipeg leadership
• Over 4.5 years together we have been through elle in school and Lee working, elle working and Lee on medical leave and vice versa, both working but mostly opposite shifts
• Challenges with depression throughout

Strategies for coping with change:

Be prepared – have an outline/contract written down, not specific procedures but more general values so it’s more adaptive

• We don't have one but are working towards writing one; feel it will give us stability and accountability, a lifeline, “a guiding light through troubled waters”
• Our dynamic has fluidity between M/s and Daddy/girl letting us be more adaptive to the situation and always be in some form of a PE while letting us be more relaxed

Acknowledge when change is happening and how you feel about it -  notice the signs within yourself and within your partner

• Watching for indications of elle’s depression, knowing the signs of when she is taking a turn and having the flexibility in our dynamic between M/s and D/g to take the pressure off her to serve me and allow me be more active in taking care of her

Look at what could go wrong and find rituals/protocols that could be put into place to help prevent that

• We now have protocols/rules for how to continue our dynamic discretely in public so we can be always on 
• Have rules in place for when things to do go wrong to remind us both of what we have consented to

Be aware that even in a PE relationship, no matter what side of the slash, ultimately the only thing you have control of in life is yourself – to solve a problem you need to focus on what you can do

• Each of us has to be a willing participant otherwise it is not a consensual relationship; a Master cannot force a slave to do something s/he does not agree to do
• A slave can always withdraw their consent by leaving the relationship - if that's what it takes - and so must make the choice to do what they can and are told to do  

Find like-minded people that can support and care about you

• In Victoria we were around kinky friends that allowed us to have a bit of our dynamic showing at times, but as they weren't PE participants we didn't feel like we really fit in
• Joining MAsT created friendships and brought us into the PE community where we can see others living this lifestyle successfully and helps us stay focused

Figure out what will give you the most bang for your buck

• The little things add up - not everything needs to be a big display of giving and taking power
• Make protocols/rituals around your activities of daily living – making coffee, serving food, bathroom permission
• For us the “tightening of the leash” is good - even if only with a few rules, keeping them tightly in check helps keep our balance
• Getting married and taking Lee’s last name, now every time elle signs her name she is reminded that she is Lee’s property

Consistency is key

• Go slowly, focus on what’s most important and most like to make/keep you strong together
• I don’t want elle to fear being punished or reprimanded for honestly missing or being unable to follow a rule, but I do acknowledge when it happens to stay consistent - one way during change to show our dynamic is still a priority
• No matter how many times it takes, if the power exchange is what you want then just keep swimming!!!!!!!!!!!

Communicate, set regular check-ins

• We have been scheduling meetings to talk about topics that we decided are important for writing our contract and planning for the possible extension of our family
• We try to talk before problems erupt to either figure out the issue all together or set a plan to alleviate the worst of it
• Even when problems do arise, by communicating before, during and after you show that you are committed to continuing on

Be supportive and encouraging of each other

• Reflect on the past to see your progress and what worked or did not work for you
• Push each other to reach goals
• Be sure to tell them what they are doing right and how much you appreciate it!

Live in reality, leave out preconceived notions

• I had a hard time with ‘what a dom should be’ and not feeling like that was fully me me until elle introduced the idea of Daddy/girl and I could have all sides
• Keep a realistic idea of what can work for your dynamic depending on the situation and what works for you, forget about what a PE relationship "should" be like according to others

Re-evaluate your dynamic to see if your former agreement is still workable in the new situation

• We have re-written our rules and protocols over the years to reflect changes in our lives
• Worst case scenario - is M/s right for your relationship? How important is your dynamic?

Once you are accepting and incorporating your new situation, you have arrived at your destination!

Through the changes in our life together, we did not follow all of these suggestions and we faced hard times by not being prepared. I would not alter the past and miss out on everything we have learned along the way, but we are better set now to face on coming changes and challenges and have a smoother future. 

A few sources for this topic: How to Handle Change and How to Deal With Change

Join us on November 8 for our Flogging 201 workshop and November 29 for our meeting on Keeping it Discreet.

- Lee

Introduction

Welcome to MAsT: Winnipeg the blog where we will be posting information on upcoming meetings, events and everything MAsT: Winnipeg.

If you haven't been to a meeting or can't make it out to all of them, watch for updates here as we will also be sharing topic information from our discussions -- within the limits of confidentiality of course.