On October 18 we gathered for a discussion on how changes can affect
power exchange relationships and went over some ideas to help keep the dynamic
on track. elle and I gave some of our background to give an idea what of we
have been through. The following are our notes from the meeting:
Definitions:
Change - the act or
instance of making or becoming different
- Power
Exchange Relationship - a consensual relationship between 2 or more people that
is based on an exchange of authority and power. S-type retains the freedom to
leave
Introduction: Lee and elle
- Met in January of 2010
- September 2010 began forays
into BDSM with playing around/switching in the bedroom
- By December we had switched
to 24/7
- Married in July 2011
- January 2012 power exchange
started to fall apart – Lee on medical leave and roles jumbled
- Moved from BC to MB in June
2012, lived with elle’s mom and stepdad = no privacy, learning a new city,
finding/setting up home and finding work - PE non-existent
- June 2012 – April 2013 elle
has cancer scare
- Moved into our own place
August 2012 - many attempts to get back on track with our dynamic but
unsuccessful
- April 2013 all clear with
cancer scare and started process of trying to have a baby
- January 2014 joined MAsT -
kick started M/s
- June 2014 joined MAsT:
Winnipeg leadership
- Over 4.5 years together we
have been through elle in school and Lee working, elle working and Lee on
medical leave and vice versa, both working but mostly opposite shifts
- Challenges with depression
throughout
Strategies for coping with change:
Be prepared – have an outline/contract written down, not specific
procedures but more general values so it’s more adaptive
- We don't have one but are
working towards writing one; feel it will give us stability and
accountability, a lifeline, “a guiding light through troubled waters”
- Our dynamic has fluidity
between M/s and Daddy/girl letting us be more adaptive to the situation
and always be in some form of a PE while letting us be more relaxed
Acknowledge when change is happening and how you feel about it -
notice the signs within yourself and within your partner
- Watching for indications of
elle’s depression, knowing the signs of when she is taking a turn and
having the flexibility in our dynamic between M/s and D/g to take the
pressure off her to serve me and allow me be more active in taking care of
her
Look at what could go wrong and find rituals/protocols that could be put
into place to help prevent that
- We now have protocols/rules
for how to continue our dynamic discretely in public so we can be always
on
- Have rules in place for when
things to do go wrong to remind us both of what we have consented to
Be aware that even in a PE relationship, no matter what side of the
slash, ultimately the only thing you have control of in life is yourself – to
solve a problem you need to focus on what you can do
- Each of us has to be a
willing participant otherwise it is not a consensual relationship; a
Master cannot force a slave to do something s/he does not agree to do
- A slave can always withdraw
their consent by leaving the relationship - if that's what it takes - and
so must make the choice to do what they can and are told to do
Find like-minded people that can support and care about you
- In Victoria we were around
kinky friends that allowed us to have a bit of our dynamic showing at
times, but as they weren't PE participants we didn't feel like we really
fit in
- Joining MAsT created friendships
and brought us into the PE community where we can see others living this
lifestyle successfully and helps us stay focused
Figure out what will give you the most bang for your buck
- The little things add up -
not everything needs to be a big display of giving and taking power
- Make protocols/rituals
around your activities of daily living – making coffee, serving food,
bathroom permission
- For us the “tightening of
the leash” is good - even if only with a few rules, keeping them tightly
in check helps keep our balance
- Getting married and taking
Lee’s last name, now every time elle signs her name she is reminded that
she is Lee’s property
Consistency is key
- Go slowly, focus on what’s
most important and most like to make/keep you strong together
- I don’t want elle to fear
being punished or reprimanded for honestly missing or being unable to
follow a rule, but I do acknowledge when it happens to stay consistent -
one way during change to show our dynamic is still a priority
- No matter how many times it
takes, if the power exchange is what you want then just keep
swimming!!!!!!!!!!!
Communicate, set regular check-ins
- We have been scheduling
meetings to talk about topics that we decided are important for writing
our contract and planning for the possible extension of our family
- We try to talk before
problems erupt to either figure out the issue all together or set a plan
to alleviate the worst of it
- Even when problems do arise,
by communicating before, during and after you show that you are committed
to continuing on
Be supportive and encouraging of each other
- Reflect on the past to see
your progress and what worked or did not work for you
- Push each other to reach
goals
- Be sure to tell them what
they are doing right and how much you appreciate it!
Live in reality, leave out preconceived notions
- I had a hard time with ‘what
a dom should be’ and not feeling like that was fully me me until elle
introduced the idea of Daddy/girl and I could have all sides
- Keep a realistic idea of
what can work for your dynamic depending on the situation and what works
for you, forget about what a PE relationship "should" be like
according to others
Re-evaluate your dynamic to see if your former agreement is still
workable in the new situation
- We have re-written our rules
and protocols over the years to reflect changes in our lives
- Worst case scenario - is M/s
right for your relationship? How important is your dynamic?
Once you are accepting and incorporating your new situation, you have
arrived at your destination!
Through the changes in our life together, we did not follow all of these
suggestions and we faced hard times by not being prepared. I would not alter
the past and miss out on everything we have learned along the way, but we are
better set now to face on coming changes and challenges and have a
smoother future.
Join us on November 8 for our Flogging 201 workshop and November 29 for our meeting on Keeping it Discreet.
- Lee
